


Never Let Me Down Again

by acebertholdt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, Awkwardness, First Kiss, Implied Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, M/M, Minor Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Spin the Bottle, bertl pov, not like Inbetweeners awkward but pretty close, shameless references to canon, some other people kiss but it's only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 15:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1716326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acebertholdt/pseuds/acebertholdt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From anonymous on Tumblr:<br/>"Middle school au where Reiner and Bertholdt are not out, but are aware they are gay. They both go to a sleepover boys and girls birthday party (maybe Eren's), everyone ends up playing spin the bottle. Happy ending please. And maybe some awkwardness."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Let Me Down Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is reposted from my Tumblr. You can see what I'm up to at acebertholdt.tumblr.com~

"You're invited to Eren's 14th birthday party!  
Friday, March 28 - Saturday, March 29, 6 pm - 11 am  
Bring a sleeping bag!"   

Reiner held up the small card so Bertholdt could read it as well. "So, we're going, right?"

Bertholdt swallowed and looked up, trying to pretend that he hadn't been staring at Reiner's lips and had heard what he'd said. At fourteen years old and in the eighth grade, Bertholdt had known he was gay for some time. Being a closeted middle schooler had gotten easier, after a while, but having a crush on his best friend was as hard as ever. _Pull yourself together, Bertholdt,_ he told himself. It was just a mouth, after all. _A mouth you very badly want to kiss,_ his subconscious added unhelpfully.

Before he could answer, Annie appeared from behind them, brandishing an identical card. "You nerds got one, too?"

Reiner tried and failed to reach for the card in her grasp. "How did you even get one, Annie!? It's a sleepover party!"

"Yeah, and if you weren't such a loser and had actual friends, you would know that Eren's parents let him have a boy-girl sleepover every year for his birthday." Her usual unreadable expression was usurped by a smug grin. "But that's right, you've never been invited before this year, have you?"

"Shut up, Annie! What do you know?"

Bertholdt was vaguely aware of their continued bickering, but he was too deep in his own thoughts to try to intervene. A boy-girl sleepover?  
The boy-girl sleepover was every heterosexual 13 year-old boy's wet dream. Or at least, that's what Bertholdt imagined he would have wet dreams about if he were heterosexual. Cargo shorts, Guitar Hero, and boy-girl sleepovers. That was because the boy-girl sleepover was the prime setting for one of middle school's most sacred rituals: spin the bottle.

This was an important invitation.

Bertholdt wasn't necessarily unpopular, but he always felt slightly out of place at the quiet, suburban Sina Middle School. He was almost always picked next to last for dodgeball, second only to some bald kid who smelled like pee, and he always walked slightly behind Reiner, perched on his shoulder like a giant, sweaty parrot. He had few friends and certainly never got invited to boy-girl sleepovers. But the main cause of Bertholdt's feelings of not fitting in was, well... the gay thing.

Bertholdt was 9 years old when he knew. It started as more of a suspicion, a vague feeling of wrongess that he couldn't explain until one day, when he overheard his parents talking after Annie's dad had picked her up from a playdate.

"...way he follows her around? You aren't worried about it?" he had heard his mother say.

Who were they talking about? Him, and...?

"Of course not." His father's low, rolling chuckle. "It's just a crush. I was the same way when I was his age. Besides, Annie's a sweet girl. It's cute."

Oh. _Oh_. They were talking about Annie. They thought he had a crush... on _Annie_?

Well, why _wouldn't_ he? She was certainly pretty. She had the clearest, bluest eyes he'd ever seen and long blonde hair that she'd pull into a graceful, low ponytail at the back of her head. She was the only girl in their class who was kind to him, and they did spend a lot of time together.

So... why _didn't_ he have a crush on Annie? For reasons he couldn't explain, a slight uneasiness washed over him.

Maybe he did. Maybe that's all crushes were. Acknowledging someone was pretty. Maybe that's what other boys did. You find a nice girl, appreciate her aesthetically, and marry her. Right? No, that still didn't seem right. Not when there was Reiner, at least.

If Annie was pretty, Reiner was... something else entirely. He was only a few months older than Bertholdt, but he seemed taller and broader than everyone else in the fifth grade. His blonde hair was coarse but soft, like the brush Bertholdt's mom used on their cat, and sometimes when they were playing, he just wanted to run his fingers through it. His eyes were amber and terrifying and Bertholdt swore they glowed-- actually glowed--in the sun. But they were kind when he smiled, especially when he laughed. Bertholdt loved Reiner's laugh the most. It was an infectious waterfall of giggles that he could listen to for an eternity, and when he laughed at something Bertholdt had said, he couldn't help but swell with pride that he was the one who had made Reiner's eyes looks so kind, made him laugh until he gasped for breath, until his cheeks turned pink and his short hair was sweaty and he wanted to-- _oh._

That was... kind of gay. Not "gay" like what Eren had called Jean Kirschtein at lunch yesterday when he blew his straw wrapper at him. But gay like wondering what your dad would think if he knew you wanted to kiss a boy on the lips. Gay like always knowing there was something different about you, but not being able to put a finger on it until the first time you caught yourself thinking about your very male best friend in the shower. Gay like Bertholdt Fubar very clearly was.

Snapping back into reality, Bertholdt took the invitation out of Reiner's hand and held it up to the flourescent light. This was it. This was his chance. This invitation was his ticket to a normal life. All he had to do was go to Eren's party, wait for the ancient rite of spin the bottle to begin, and kiss a girl. Afterwards, with his newfound heterosexuality asserted, everything else would fall into place. He'd no longer be the weird kid who got picked second to last for dodgeball, who always stood slightly behind and to the left of Reiner. Surely, he'd no longer think about how the hell he was going to force himself to date and marry a girl, or wonder what his best friend's lips tasted like. This party was the mark of a new era, a new Bertholdt.

"Yeah," he finally said, more to himself than to the two kids beside him. "We're going." Carefully, he folded the invitation into quarters and put it in his front jeans pocket, ignoring the heavy feeling in his stomach.

The Jaegers drove a Honda Fit and were the only family in the otherwise conservative Sina that had an Obama 2012 sign in their front yard. So it wasn't particularly surprising that they were also the only family in the small town to host a yearly co-ed slumber party. When Bertholdt's mom dropped him off on the day of the party, there were balloons tied to the sign. This was it. Bertholdt felt his front pocket, hyperaware of the invitation that was still inside. This was his chance.

Eren and Jean were already in a heated Call of Duty match, hurling back and forth insults that Bertholdt wasn't allowed to say at his house. He greeted Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger politely, just like he'd been taught, and found a seat between Annie and Reiner on the sofa. He very quickly made friends with the Jaegers' dog, a good-natured German Shepard with a tongue too big for its mouth.

Looking around the room, Bertholdt spotted a couple of people he knew from school. Marco, Ymir, Christa. Mikasa and Armin were there, of course, perched on each arm of the armchair where Eren was sitting. The rest he didn't know very well. There was the bald kid from gym class and a pretty, redheaded girl. He knew of Mina Carolina and Thomas Wagner because they were popular and read the morning announcements, but he had never talked to them, and he had certainly never attended the same party as them. Bertholdt was suddenly very aware of how much he was sweating and started petting the dog again.

At around 9 o' clock, Eren stood up and turned off the television.  
"Alright, guys," he announced. "You know what time it is. Let's go to the basement."

The basement? What the _hell_ was in Eren's basement? He looked at Reiner meaningfully, but the other boy only shrugged his shoulders. Some other kids were murmuring in agreement, seeming to know what was going on, and Bertholdt didn't want to look uncool, so he tried to look excited instead of terrified as he followed Annie and Reiner down the beige carpeted steps to Eren's basement.

Mikasa pulled a Diet Mountain Dew bottle out of the recycling bin and plopped down in the middle of the basement floor. _Oh_. So that's what was in the basement. It was unceremonious, not even particularly graceful, but to Bertholdt, it was like watching a priestess lighting candles at the altar. This was it; his ticket to a life of normalness and popularity. Spin the bottle. Armin followed Mikasa, and the other kids began to form a vague circle around the traditional ceremonial Diet Mountain Dew bottle. Bertholdt squeezed between Annie and Reiner on the thin carpet, trying to look like he too knew what was going on, and sat nervously with his arms wrapped around his knees.

When Eren took his seat between Armin and Mikasa and reached for the bottle, Jean put up his hands in protest. "Woah, Jaeger. Don't we need some ground rules?"

Eren snickered, his trademark perpetual grimace not leaving his face even as he laughed at Jean's expense. "It's spin the bottle, Jean. Everyone knows how to play." He reached out again, but this time Jean caught his wrist.

"Yeah, but... what are we going to do if..." He looked around nervously before swallowing. "What are we going to do if a dude gets another dude? Spin again, right?"

The bald kid from gym class, who was sitting to Reiner's left, spoke up. "Seems fair to me. Girls can kiss girls though, that's okay."

Ymir nodded vigorously across the circle, while the cute redhead beside the bald kid shook her head. "In what universe is that fair? You just wanna see girls kiss, Connie!"

Bald-Connie's entire cue ball-like head reddened while the girls in the circle laughed at him. Eren called the group to attention by hitting the bottle against the palm of his hand.

"Okay, okay! Everyone shut up. No re-spins, no matter what. Say 'no homo' first or something if you don't like it."

Before Jean could protest again, Eren reached out and spun the bottle. Bertholdt watched the bottle anxiously until it slowed and stopped on... _Armin_?

This was not the heterosexual promised land he had imagined.

The circle went quiet, Connie being the first one to speak. "So... are you gonna do it?"

Armin turned pink, but Eren looked unphased. "Duh. It's the rules. Besides, we're best friends. It's not weird, right?"

Armin shook his head, but he hid his face in the sleeve of his over-sized hoodie. "O-of course not," he chirped. "Not weird at all." Bertholdt could have sworn he heard him utter a quiet, "n-no homo," as an amendment.

He tried not to watch as Eren leaned up to where Armin was sitting on the faded red folding chair and grabbed the other boy's chin. It was quick, a chaste peck on the lips that was over in less than a second.

The next few spins went by without incident. Mikasa and Marco, the redhead (Sasha, he learned) and Thomas, Connie and a very unamused Ymir. Mina and Annie were an interesting pair, but everyone already knew Mina was bisexual. It said so on her Myspace page.

Finally, Connie relayed the bottle to Reiner, as if he were passing a communion platter. Bertholdt didn't particularly want to watch his best friend and massive, gay crush kiss someone else, so he turned his head and absently wondered why it felt like someone had just poured cold water over his head. He was disturbed from his thoughts by an unearthly silence.

Looking up, he discovered everyone's eyes on him, most notably Reiner's. _What...?_

Oh. The bottle. The bottle was... pointing at him. Of course.

"Uh," Reiner said quietly.

Bertholdt opened his mouth to say something, anything, but found himself unable to speak. With one fateful spin, his illusion of normalness, his chance at fitting in, came tumbling down. It was like Reiner had taken a wrecking ball to the beautiful facade he had perfected through years of pretending, years of hiding, and left Bertholdt naked and defenseless in front of the other kids. His one chance at a normal life was crumbling before him because of Reiner. Big, stupid, beautiful Reiner. With his big, stupid, beautiful face. The face that Bertholdt now had to kiss. In front of all of their friends.

Before Bertholdt could summon the courage to speak, Jean reached around Annie and nudged his shoulder.

"C-come on," he said shakily. "No re-spins, you know the rules."

Bertholdt was beginning to panic. Beseechingly, he turned to Annie, who only returned his glare with unwavering coldness. He looked to Jean, to Eren, anyone but Reiner, but no one else would meet his gaze. Finally, Reiner spoke.

"I-i'm sorry, Bertl. I--"

"It's okay," Bertholdt cut him off, swallowing hard. "It's the rules, right? It's not weird. Eren and Armin--"

"No, I mean I can't do this."

The cold water feeling was back. "Oh."

Connie broke the heavy silence. "Dude, you have to. It's the--"

Bertholdt couldn't see the look Reiner gave him, but from the way Connie's words died in his big mouth, he decided he didn't want to.

Armin jumped in quickly, ready to mediate, as always. "It's okay, Reiner! You don't have to k-ki... you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm sure we can all agree to make an exception this time, right?"

Eren and some others nodded hastily, and Bertholdt felt his face grow numb. He knew Reiner would never want to kiss him; he was as straight as they come. So why did it hurt so much to hear him say it out loud like that? Suddenly, the invitation still in his pocket felt inexplicably heavy. The next few moments were a blur. Eren was saying something, Mikasa was nodding, Armin was burying his face in his hoodie again, and Reiner was nudging him with the Mountain Dew bottle.

"Here," he said quietly. "Your turn."

Bertholdt avoided Reiner's eyes and mumbled something about needing to pee, before standing up heading upstairs as fast as he could. His legs felt heavy as he went. He needed to get out of the basement. Away from that traitorous bottle. Away from Reiner.

Once he had taken refuge in the bathroom, Bertholdt hunched over the sink and splashed water on his face. He could feel panic rising again. This was bad, bad, _really_ bad. He reached into his pocket where the invitation felt like a brick of lead against his thigh and crumpled it in his fist. This invitation, this party was supposed to be the beginning of a new era for him. A new Bertholdt. A new, popular, confident Bertholdt who went to parties and kissed girls. A Bertholdt who didn't have a crush on his best friend and who certainly wasn't heartbroken that said friend didn't want to kiss him. And here he was, willing himself not to cry in Eren Jaeger's guest bathroom. His mouth began to taste salty and his eyes were stinging. He felt shame wash over him, and as he was taking in just how pathetic he must have looked in that moment, there was a knock on the door.

Bertholdt froze.

"Bertl? Are you in there?" It was Reiner. _Shit._ Bertholdt quickly wiped his leaking eyes on his sleeve and cleared his throat.

"I'm, uh, peeing."

He could hear Reiner sigh softly on the other side of the door and the knob began to turn.

"What the hell, Reiner!? I said I was peeing!"

Reiner chuckled and stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. "Dude, I've known you since we were babies. You've always been weird about talking to people while you're taking a piss."

There was an awkward silence, before Bertholdt sighed loudly, turning to rest his lower back on the bathroom counter and scooting over a few inches to make room for Reiner.

The two boys were quiet for what seemed like ages to Bertholdt.

"I, uh," "It's oka--" they both started, before turning to each other and laughing nervously.

"Y-you first," Bertholdt told him cautiously.

Reiner swallowed. "Okay. Umm. Are you alright?"

Bertholdt simply nodded before realizing that Reiner was looking at his own feet instead of him. "Yeah. I'm fine. You?"

Reiner pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger in a gesture that made him look much older than 13. "Listen, Bertl, I uhh..."

Bertholdt braced himself for the worst. This was it. This was rejection. This was his best friend of 12 years, his best friend that he had a giant, gay crush on, telling him that he "didn't see him that way" or "didn't want to make it gay." Later in life, when he was a sad, lonely old man in a nursing home, when sympathetic-looking nurses asked him why he had no family to visit him, where his life went completely and horribly wrong, Bertholdt would tell them about this moment in Eren Jaeger's bathroom on Friday, March 28, 2014.

"I'm sorry, Bertl, I just couldn't--"

"Kiss me, I know," Bertholdt spat. He couldn't stand the hesitant way in which Reiner addressed him, as if he were trying to let him down easy. Bertholdt could have hit him.

"--like that," Reiner finished.

Bertholdt groaned. "It's okay, Reiner, you don't have to-- what?" _What... had Reiner said?_

"I couldn't kiss you," Reiner gulped, "like that."

Bertholdt met Reiner's gaze, and he couldn't remember the last time he had seen Reiner's amber eyes look so _scared_. "Y-you wh-what--"

Before he could finish, Reiner's mouth was on his. His own height had surpassed Reiner's some time during the seventh grade, so his neck was at a weird angle. Even ignoring the uncomfortable position, the kiss was awkward. Bertholdt didn't really know what to do with his hands, and when had his _nose_ gotten so big? Reiner's own cumbersome nose was pressed into Bertholdt's cheek. Should he open his mouth? Was tongue okay? Were they _there_ yet? _You're sucking each other's faces, Bertholdt_ , he told himself, _I think you're "there"_. Oh, shit. He was kissing Reiner. He was really _kissing_ Reiner. Despite the palpable awkwardness, Bertholdt suddenly felt light, like he was flying.

"I'm so gay for you, dude," Reiner panted into his mouth.

"M-me too," Bertholdt told him, pulling back. "I-i mean, I'm gay for _you_. I'm gay--"

"I know," Reiner hissed, kissing along his jaw. They continued like that for a few minutes, noisy, unskilled sucking and the occasional clack of teeth the only sounds besides their labored breathing. After a few minutes, Reiner pulled back with finality, collapsing against Bertholdt's chest breathlessly.

So Reiner was gay. Reiner was gay for him. Shit, why hadn't Reiner told him!? _You didn't tell him either_ , he added bitterly to himself. Well, it didn't matter now, because Reiner was gay for him and they had just kissed. In Eren Jaeger's guest bathroom. At his birthday party. Oh shit. The party.

"They're going to wonder where we went," Reiner said, as if reading his mind.

"Yeah," Bertholdt sighed, reaching into his pocket once more. He took out the crumpled invitation, and giving it one last look, tossed it into the trashcan beside the toilet. "We should get back."

Wordlessly, Reiner offered his hand. Bertholdt felt the light, airy feeling again and noted that it wasn't completely unlike nausea, but he took Reiner's hand in his anyway and gave the other boy a shy smile.

A few of the kids stared when they returned back to the basement holding hands, but most of them were watching as Christa and Ymir heatedly made out, the bottle long forgotten. Annie simply smirked at them, before rolling her eyes and turning her attention back to the two girls. Bertholdt swore he heard Mina whisper something to Thomas that sounded a lot like, "knew it." He expected Reiner to withdraw his hand when they sat down, but he didn't, only squeezing it harder as he pointedly met the eye of everyone else in the circle, as if daring them to comment.

By the time everyone was pulling out their sleeping bags, the boys had garnered more than a few glances, and when Reiner kissed him goodnight, he was sure everyone saw. Surprisingly, Bertholdt found himself not caring. He felt... not normal. Certainly not normal. He just felt _happy_.

 _Definitely a new era_ , he thought to himself, as the strange feeling of lightness returned once more. The grip on his hand didn't loosen until they were both drifting off in their sleeping bags, lying on the thin carpet of Eren Jaeger's basement floor, lulled to sleep by the sound of Jean's rhythmic snoring.

Reiner and Bertholdt never did come out to their friends. They didn't have to.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, anon! Bertholdt's experiences with being gay are entirely taken from my experience with being asexual, so hopefully it's believable. Cookies for anyone who can guess who my shameless self-insert is.


End file.
